I am sorry to make so many ppl worried abt me, I thought since I did not regularly update my blog+ I did not really tell others about my blog, nobody would really read the entries. I just need a space to ventilate how I really feel.

I will be fine eventually, I should be able to be my own. I am fully aware that eventually I will be able to adapt. But for now, it hurts. Probably, I have been loving him for such a long time, that there is a void in my heart that makes me unable to understand a life without J. I don't understand him, if he feels that he had insufficient time for me, he could just make time, we would be alright in the end. If he felt that I was compromising too much, we could compromise together. The solution is just right in front of us, yet it's so far. I do wonder if the break-up was all my fault, I wonder if there is something so inadequate in me which made him want to initiate a break-up with me.

I really do love him. I really tried my best in this relationship. But yet in the end, the results of what I have tried hard for is cruel. I can't face the fact that we are no longer going to be together. I have called him but he does not pick up the phone, he does not want to talk to me at all. Each time, I cherish the hope that he would pick up the phone, but each time I am just disappointed. In the end, I am so loathed by him that he cannot even bear to speak to me. It really breaks my heart, I stay awake hoping that he would call me but of course that is foolish to do since he does not want to talk to me. I know I am torturing myself by not sleeping or eating well but probably I hope that if the physical pain can transcend the heart ache, at least it would distract me from this relationship.

I finally understand how it feels to be ignored. From him, I fully understand how it feels when somebody initiates a break-up thru the sms. From it, I can infer that I cannot relieve the pressures in his life, in fact I will only add on to such pressures. I have no functional purpose at all so in the end, I would have to be removed from his life equation. I am saying this without bitterness, just resignation that I cannot change what he is thinking. I know he knows that he is important to me but this will not change his decision.